Paternity Test
by Lara-Van
Summary: A great load of crack, involving Peter and a paternity test. Turns out that Arthur is NOT the father. And neither is Samson Gray...


A/N: I was thinking about what Angela said in S2 about sleeping with Kaito Nakamura, and out of that came this little bit of crack. Set in 'Into Asylum.' And I should warn you, I'm not so great at writing crack. This is my first attempt that is actually decent enough to post here.

--

Peter stared at his reflection in the gold leaf on the columns of the cathedral, trying to force his bangs grow just through power of concentration. "C'mon! Grow already!" he growled at his recalcitrant hair. "If you would just grow longer, maybe my powers would stick around longer!"

"Shut up!" Angela screamed from the pew where she had- supposedly- been sleeping. "I need absolute silence to dream about the future!" The prodigal Petrelli sighed and went to write emo poetry on the wall of the confessional booth.

Seventy-three seconds later, Angela sat straight up in her pew. "Peter!" she screeched. "Come here! I need you!" Peter slumped disappointedly back out of the booth and sat down next to his mother.

"What do you need?" he asked.

Grinning wickedly, Angela pulled a pair of scissors out of her coat pocket. She reached up and sheared off all of Peter's hair.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Peter screamed, staring at his bangs lying in Angela's lap. "What did you do that for??"

Mrs. Petrelli smirked. "I need your DNA."

"But-- but--!"

"No buts, dear," Angela said, slapping her son across the face. "Now go to Japan and dig up Kaito Nakamura's grave." Peter sighed. He had decided to stop questioning his mother's motives a long time ago. As he pulled open the church door, he was swarmed by Danko's Men In Black.

"There he is!" one of them yelled. Suddenly, all the agents fell dead.

Peter looked around in surprise. "How-?" he asked. Suddenly, a dark-haired girl emerged from the side of the church. "Maya?" he exclaimed. "Where have you been?"

Maya smiled hugely, black nasty stuff leaking out of her eyes. "I've been working with Gabriel," she said in a bizarre, fake French accent. "He's teaching me how to kill people better." She frowned. "But it didn't work on you."

"Oh," Peter said. "_That's_ why you just dropped off the face of the earth. Okay. But you should know that Mohinder's been sleeping with Matt again."

Maya's eyes turned from black to bright yellow, and started leaking pinapple juice. "WHAT?" she screamed. "That cheating bastard! I'll kill him!" She ran down the street and disappeared into the rain.

Peter shrugged, and flew away.

--

Half an hour later, he returned to the cathedral, covered in dirt, with a large black bag over his shoulder. "I'm back, Ma!" he said. Angela ignored him, as she was sitting on the floor and eating waffles. "Where did you get waffles?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Those nice camera people made them for me."

After pouring a ridiculous amount of multi-colored sprinkles over the waffles, she looked back at him. "What's in the bag?" she asked.

Peter threw it on the floor. "Kaito Nakamura's body. You told me to get it."

Angela grinned. "Yay!" she said. "I love dead people!"

"Um… what?"

"What?"

"What?"

"I said what first!"

"No you didn't, _I_ did!"

"**STOP ARGUING**!" a lightly accented voice boomed from above.

Peter looked up hopefully. "My prayers have been answered! You really did show up, God!"

"**WHAT**?" said the voice, sounding confused. "**I'M NOT GOD**."

"You're not?" Peter asked.

"**NOPE. THIS IS THE VOICE OF MOHINDER. I HADN'T BEEN DOING MY START-OF-EPISODE NARRATION FOR A LONG TIME, SO I FIGURED I NEEDED TO PRACTICE**."

Peter flopped down on his stomach and pressed his nose into the granite floor, wishing he had his emo bangs to hide behind. This was turning out to be a very disappointing day.

"**YOU CHEATING BASTARD**!!" screamed a different voice from above them.

"**WHA- MAYA?!?!**" gasped Mohinder's voice. "**WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN**?"

"**KILLING PEOPLE**! ** BUT WHY WERE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH MATT**?!?"

"**I- I WASN'T- I- MAYA, WHAT'S THAT FOR? MAYA, PUT THE CHAINSAW DOW- AHHHHHHH**!!!!"

The voices stopped very suddenly. Angela, meanwhile, had been swabbing the inside of Kaito's mouth with a Q-tip. One of the set crew who had been softly making bad electronic background music in the corner walked over, and she handed the Q-tip and Peter's hair to him.

"Hello everyone!" announced Hiro Nakamura, suddenly appearing in the church.

"What?" Peter exclaimed. "Where did you come from?"

Hiro shrugged. "I rode an enchanted wheelbarrow here from California."

Angela giggled. "Ooh, just like in Lord of the Rings?"

Peter looked confused. "But… but… Ma, did you ever _read_ Lord of the Rings?"

"Of course. Why?"

Sharing a resigned look with Hiro, Peter just shook his head. "Never mind."

Hiro walked to where the TV people were working, _completely ignoring_ the body of his father lying in the middle of the floor. "Can I get some of those waffles, too?" he asked.

"Sorry, kid," Tim Kring muttered. "I can only give waffles and good storylines to angsty people."

"What, my parental issues aren't enough angst for you?" Hiro exclaimed in Japanese, the subtitles writing themselves across his magical T-shirt. "I did plenty of great angst for you in the last episode! Can't you have one character who still loves his powers and enjoys what he's doing?"

Tim Kring looked up from the papers he was studying and met Hiro's eyes. "No," he said, very seriously. "No, I can not."

"Okay," Hiro said happily. "Fine by me! I am a hero!"

All of a sudden, a horribly mutilated Mohinder ran out of the transept, holding a sealed envelope. "Mr. Muggles, Mr. Muggles! The paternity test came back. It turns out that you are, in fact, the father! Sylar is your baby boy!"

Peter shook his head in utter confusion. "But how could you know that if the envelope is sealed?" he asked.

Mohinder smiled patronizingly. "This isn't _that_ paternity test, silly! This is _your _paternity test, which is vacuum-sealed just like Angela asked."

"Mine? Gimme!" Peter snatched the envelope from Mohinder's bleeding hand and ripped it open. Immediately, his almost-goatee was sucked into it from the force of the vacuum-sealing. "NOOOOOO!!!!" he screamed. "My goatee!!!!!!"

All of a sudden, Claude became visible in the front of the church. "Oh who are you kidding, Flyboy?" He stroked his own beard. "That poor excuse for fuzz is even thinner than it was the last time I saw you. Give it up man, you just can't grow hair on your face!" He immediately disappeared, leaving Peter to look around for something to scrawl emo poetry on.

He suddenly remembered the envelope he had in his hand and reached inside with a pair of tongs. "Careful Mohinder," he said to the injured geneticist, "this envelope contains a highly acidic compound that can strip the flesh from our bones." All of a sudden, the Haz-mat suit he was wearing disappeared randomly. "Aw crap," Peter hissed, waiting for the flesh-eating acid, but nothing happened.

Ando suddenly popped up next to him. "Behold!" he announced. "I am Acid-Neutralize-Man!"

Peter gave him a very strange look, and muttered, "Well _goody_ for you." He glanced at the paper he was still holding in the tongs. "I can't look," he said. "Hiro, come over here! You look!"

Hiro eagerly took the paper and read over it. "It says… it says… I can't read English."

"Oh. That's a problem."

Getting frustrated, Ando grabbed the paper out of Hiro's hand and read it. His eyes grew wide. "Guess what?" he said. "You two are brothers!"

Hiro and Peter stared at each other for a moment before Hiro suddenly launched himself at Peter, giving him a huge hug. "Yatta!" Hiro screamed. "I always wanted a brother!"

"So did-- _wait a second_!" Peter said. "Don't I have another brother? Yeah, I think I do. Ooh, and isn't that crazy head-slicing guy supposedly my brother as well? And that emo slicing-herself-open-and-healing chick is my sister or my niece or something, right? Yeesh!" He turned to Tim Kring, who was doing sound checks for the (bad) dramatic background music. "Is there anyone in this whole freaking place I'm _not_ related to?"

Tim Kring looked up at him very seriously. "No," he said. "No there isn't. You're the main character. If you're not somehow related to everyone in the world, we can't keep you single forever. And if we can't keep you single forever, you don't have _nearly _enough angst. Actually, I think Caitlyn was your sister."

"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Peter screamed. "NO!!!!!"

All at once, Claire ran into the church, for some reason wearing her old cheerleading uniform. "Did somebody say 'incest'?" she asked.

Tim whispered in her ear, "It turns out Peter slept with his sister. He's very sad at the moment."

Claire sidled up to Peter. "Hey Uncle Peter!" she said seductively. "So. Your sister, huh? That's _way_ worse incest than sleeping with your niece… right?"

Peter screamed. "GAH! Is everyone here crazy?!?!?!"

Tim Kring nodded. "Yes. Yes they are."

--

Like I said, pretty crappy. But it gets the job done. And reviews are always appreciated. Even for crack.


End file.
